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I’ve tossed around the idea of joining a mom’s group for the last year or so. I had a pretty nasty case of postpartum that seemed to hang on forever, on top of hypothyroidism, which left me feeling exhausted and alone and wanting to connect with others going through the same thing.
Then, I met some awesome moms after I got more involved in the blogging community and felt like I had filled that void.
The next urge came when I started to feel like a deadbeat mom because Bean didn’t have much (if any) social time with kids her age. I also hoped to maybe make a few local mom friends with kids Bean’s age to have play dates/motherhood vent sessions with.
So, I checked the ECFE (early childhood family education) website for our town. I had heard negative things about local mom’s groups (they don’t take too kindly to strangers) and thought that going through ECFE might be a little more laid back.
It turned out that the class I had been considering started the next day. It was either sign up now or wait until spring for the next round. My gut told me to sign up, so I did.
The naive smile of someone who has no idea what they’re getting themselves (and child) into.
Despite my initial nerves going into this brand new experience, I had a positive attitude and smile on my face. But before we even reached the classroom, I already felt like an outsider. The mom that I happened to walk in with began chit-chatting away with the office staff at sign-in while I wasn’t even given a friendly smile. I tried to brush off the feeling, after all I can’t be the only newbie.
As we entered the classroom the teachers started greeting the other kids by name, which led me to believe that these kids had been here before. “That’s cool, we’re still pretty early, I’m sure there will be other new kids” I naively told myself. So, I slapped on a name tag and parked myself and my terrified child by one of her favorite toys, the choo-choos.
The more that entered the classroom, the more alone I started to feel. I kept telling myself that I was just being paranoid. There’s got to be at least one other mother brand new to what was increasingly feeling like this whole other world. I just kept playing with Bean hoping that she would start to warm up to the other kids so that I could try and chat up some of the other moms.
Nope. Not gonna happen. Any time I suggested we go play with the other little girls or little boys I was met with an emphatic, “NO!” I didn’t want to make her first experience traumatizing, so I remained patient. And then, bless her heart, ONE mother started to strike up a conversation with me. I could tell she was trying, but not too interested, since it lasted about a minute before she was off chatting with another mom.
And then it was circle time. Singing and dancing. Uh, what? That’s not what I signed up for. This is where I could no longer deny the fact that I was indeed the only outsider in this cult of mothers. Each mom and child were having the time of their lives singing along to the songs and doing all of the lame, choreographed moves. Me and my child? Bean either sat in my lap sucking her thumb while I tried to act interested in making a fool of myself, or she clung to me as I tried to get over the horror of what I was doing with the “freeze dance.” I am a classically trained ballet dancer, I don’t MIME 😉
But wait, it’s not over yet. My last hopes of trying to show these other moms that I wasn’t some lonely, quiet loser were soon quickly dashed. Bean freaked out and gave me the death grip when I tried to get her engaged in snack time with the other kids so that I could go with the moms to their room and talk. I then spent the next half an hour trying to sneak out without Bean noticing and being ignored by the teachers in the kids room. I mean, I know I was supposed to leave my child screaming bloody murder and run like the wind, but I wasn’t going to do that. And they sure as heck weren’t going to be able to calm her down if I had left, that’s for sure.
Am I being dramatic? You bet. It’s not like anyone was outright mean to me, but I can’t say that I ever got a welcoming vibe from any of the staff. Forced friendliness, yes. But nothing to make me feel like they were glad to see a new face. And honestly I expected it to be hard to break into what I had a feeling was probably already a semi-established circle of moms. But I didn’t expect the staff to make me feel like that. And I certainly wasn’t prepared to be the only one who had no idea what they were doing.
So now begins the inner struggle. Do I go back next week in hopes that Bean will actually enjoy it? Or is she just not ready to socialize with a bigger group of kids? Do I stop going and eat the expensive registration fee? Someone from the outside looking in on this whole “straight from a bad tv sitcom” situation please tell me what I should do. I’m hoping that after the initial disappointment wears off I might have a clearer picture of what’s best for Bean. One week until D-Day.
I tried a Mom's group before too and just like you, they weren't very inviting. I am not saying they were mean to me, just that they had all already built up their cliques and I could tell they weren't too keen on outsiders joining. I gave up after a few months and stopped going to playdates. My children are now five and six and have lots of friends from our neighborhood and school. I would not worry about your daughter. She will become more sociable when she feels comfortable with it.
I am a total introvert. While I am at times desperate for adult friendships…I would NEVER have the courage to do something like this. So kudos to you for even trying!! 🙂 I also call my daughter bean. Her name is Karlena, I sometimes call her Karlena Beana which then led to bean! 🙂
Women suck – they just do. Not ALL women, but a large majority. It is sad that no one made a real effort to make you feel comfortable. We are clicky and uninviting and judging….again not every woman, but a lot come off that way…and it makes situations like this so difficult.
Because I am a scardy cat, chicken….I would never go again. But I would probably advise you not look to me for advice on this matter! 🙂 I seem a bit jaded don't I?! 😉
Hey Bre- I would give it another chance . It prob will get better with time. If in a couple more sessions it doesn't then u would find a diff. Mom group. Otherwise we need play dates on Mondays. Hang in there and hope it gets better Danielle
I am so with you on this one and trust me so glad that my girls are in pre-school and I drop them off going to do my own thing, because when I did try in the past I had a lot of the same feelings and reactions that you mentioned. Women are so catty as it is and this doesn't help the cause when you are trying to be friendly and not really get the warm and fuzzies, plus my having your kid get upset and not wanting to leave your side doesn't help. I would have left my kids either if this happened. I hope it goes better if you do go back, but know that you weren't the only one to go through this.
I joined a local mom's website in my city for the same reasons. I felt like an outsider at first. I eventually made friends. I'm still close with three of the girls many years later even though the site finally came to an end. It was hard at first. I didn't know anyone. I'm not overly social with strangers. I'd try again. I'd also research other options as well. In the end, I think it's worth it for mom and child. 🙂 I hope it gets better for you!
Eh. Stop going. Find a group that feels like home. Or start your own. Or don't. But I'd trust your gut. Your radar was on before you even got into the room. Sorry you had to go through it! Best wishes:)
Thanks for the reassuring words. In the end I'll end up following my gut (which steered me wrong in this instance, unless I needed to learn this lesson for some reason) and be happy with whatever I do.
Thank you! I felt pretty good about it at first because I'm an introvert too and was totally taking a risk and going outside my comfort zone. Unfortunately this made me want to stay in my own comfortable bubble as usual :/
That makes sense about them knowing each other from their other kids, that's kind of what I picked up from some of their conversations I overheard. And OH MY GOSH I can't even imagine going through your situation! I feel like a total whiny baby because mine was no where near as bad. Good for you for trying out a new group, I'm leaning toward that (and making sure I try it out before I commit with any sort of money)
I feel like this all the time! We move a ton so I feel like a perpetual outsider when it comes to these mom groups! I found that the first time is always way awkward. I would try going a couple more times and if you still aren't feeling it I would call it! That's what I usually do anyway! When we moved to this base I just decided to start my own playgroup! 😉 so far it's going pretty well!
I had kind of a similar feeling, the descriptions of the classes and all of the verbiage on the website made it sound like the warmest, fuzziest, most welcoming environment so what it ACTUALLY felt like was really a slap in the face. Leaning towards trying something new.
I know, I can just hear my mother in my head, “you can't make a decision based on one experience.” I just hope that IF we go again, she'll have fun. It's hard to force something on my poor little Bean when I'm not enjoying it either 🙁
How did your girls do when you first started dropping them off? Bean is just so attached to me (or my husband) whenever we try to leave her anywhere, including the nursery at church. I'm not sure if constantly pushing the issue is helping or hurting the situation.
Hypothyroidism is the WORST. I keep thinking, can't I have the “good” one? lol Hyperthyroidism? Know what I mean? Yeah. I'm sure I'm being a baby. But dang it, I felt totally traumatized today lol
I can't imagine having to readjust after every move, I should feel lucky that we're pretty well established. I've also considered starting my own group, it just seemed like so much work so I dropped the idea. Any advice if I decide to go down that road?
I can assure you I wondered why I couldn't get the one that would help me lose weight, not gain, but hyper also causes heart problems so…its a no-win situation 🙁
Uggh it is SO hard to meet other moms isnt it? I have trouble with this, too. I took my son to Gymboree and the workers were really nice but none of the other moms in class were particularly. No one knew each other so it wasn't that kind of thing, it was just super awkward like no one wanted to be the first person to speak up or something!
I would love to start a play group too but I dont even know anyone with kids! (none of my friends that live near me have kids!) Frustrating.
If you are a classically trained Ballet Dancer then why not put Bean in dance class? It doesn't have to be Ballet, it can be anything, but I would be something that's at least more enjoyable for you, and to convince her to do it when she needs to be on her own, then she would be “being just like mommy”. That might make it easier for her.
I don't like mom's groups because they are exclusive to the point of being excluding, it's the whole Mommy Wars thing. I have a friend that fits in wonderfully in those sorts of things, but I'm always the oddball out. I didn't worry about my kid getting facetime with other kids his age before he went to school, and when he was in school he did well them, but now that I'm homeschooling him (I had a mommy war issue, only with the whole damn school, teachers, office aides, and principals) I'm thinking Karate would be good for him.
I'm sorry that it didn't go so well. When I moved to town my daughter was 4 months old. I met 1 girl online from a meet up group. She had been in the local Mom group. She warned me that the group was clicky & the girls were snobby. So for about a year I thought about it. I kept thinking about what she said. Finally I gave in & joined. I met some awesome Moms. A few had just joined when I did. Most of the girls that my friend knew had moved on. My daughter was 2 & she is now 6 & is still friends with the girls she met back then. Now they are in 1st grade. Maybe give it another chance or try another Mom group. I'm in the International Mom's group. Join meet-up & tell them what groups your are interested in. If a new Mom group starts you can join & everyone will be new. The only thing with Meet up groups is they don't last long. The person running it usually gives it up a few months after they started. Other places are your local library (they have story times & other events) & your recreation dept.
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I tried a Mom's group before too and just like you, they weren't very inviting. I am not saying they were mean to me, just that they had all already built up their cliques and I could tell they weren't too keen on outsiders joining. I gave up after a few months and stopped going to playdates. My children are now five and six and have lots of friends from our neighborhood and school. I would not worry about your daughter. She will become more sociable when she feels comfortable with it.
P.S. I call my girls Bean too. 🙂
I am a total introvert. While I am at times desperate for adult friendships…I would NEVER have the courage to do something like this. So kudos to you for even trying!! 🙂 I also call my daughter bean. Her name is Karlena, I sometimes call her Karlena Beana which then led to bean! 🙂
Women suck – they just do. Not ALL women, but a large majority. It is sad that no one made a real effort to make you feel comfortable. We are clicky and uninviting and judging….again not every woman, but a lot come off that way…and it makes situations like this so difficult.
Because I am a scardy cat, chicken….I would never go again. But I would probably advise you not look to me for advice on this matter! 🙂 I seem a bit jaded don't I?! 😉
Hey Bre-
I would give it another chance . It prob will get better with time.
If in a couple more sessions it doesn't then u would find a diff. Mom group.
Otherwise we need play dates on Mondays.
Hang in there and hope it gets better
Danielle
I am so with you on this one and trust me so glad that my girls are in pre-school and I drop them off going to do my own thing, because when I did try in the past I had a lot of the same feelings and reactions that you mentioned. Women are so catty as it is and this doesn't help the cause when you are trying to be friendly and not really get the warm and fuzzies, plus my having your kid get upset and not wanting to leave your side doesn't help. I would have left my kids either if this happened. I hope it goes better if you do go back, but know that you weren't the only one to go through this.
I joined a local mom's website in my city for the same reasons. I felt like an outsider at first. I eventually made friends. I'm still close with three of the girls many years later even though the site finally came to an end. It was hard at first. I didn't know anyone. I'm not overly social with strangers. I'd try again. I'd also research other options as well. In the end, I think it's worth it for mom and child. 🙂 I hope it gets better for you!
Eh. Stop going. Find a group that feels like home. Or start your own. Or don't. But I'd trust your gut. Your radar was on before you even got into the room. Sorry you had to go through it! Best wishes:)
Thanks for the reassuring words. In the end I'll end up following my gut (which steered me wrong in this instance, unless I needed to learn this lesson for some reason) and be happy with whatever I do.
Thank you! I felt pretty good about it at first because I'm an introvert too and was totally taking a risk and going outside my comfort zone. Unfortunately this made me want to stay in my own comfortable bubble as usual :/
That makes sense about them knowing each other from their other kids, that's kind of what I picked up from some of their conversations I overheard. And OH MY GOSH I can't even imagine going through your situation! I feel like a total whiny baby because mine was no where near as bad. Good for you for trying out a new group, I'm leaning toward that (and making sure I try it out before I commit with any sort of money)
Hi Bre!
I feel like this all the time! We move a ton so I feel like a perpetual outsider when it comes to these mom groups! I found that the first time is always way awkward. I would try going a couple more times and if you still aren't feeling it I would call it! That's what I usually do anyway! When we moved to this base I just decided to start my own playgroup! 😉 so far it's going pretty well!
That is quite the observation, I think I need to do a little “dating”. I'm definitely keeping your insight in mind! Thank you!
Yup, I totally feel like you. The free play was me and Bean sitting in a corner all alone 🙁 Ok, maybe not that bad, but I definitely felt ostracized.
I had kind of a similar feeling, the descriptions of the classes and all of the verbiage on the website made it sound like the warmest, fuzziest, most welcoming environment so what it ACTUALLY felt like was really a slap in the face. Leaning towards trying something new.
I know, I can just hear my mother in my head, “you can't make a decision based on one experience.” I just hope that IF we go again, she'll have fun. It's hard to force something on my poor little Bean when I'm not enjoying it either 🙁
Thanks Dani, I wish you and your adorable kiddos lived closer because Monday playdates would be awesome!
How did your girls do when you first started dropping them off? Bean is just so attached to me (or my husband) whenever we try to leave her anywhere, including the nursery at church. I'm not sure if constantly pushing the issue is helping or hurting the situation.
I wish there was a local mom's website… maybe I need to look into that, hmmm… Thanks for the thoughtful advice 🙂
It pains me to think about it, but I'm sure you're right. Maybe after one more shot I can confirm what the right decision for her (and me) is. Thanks!
Hypothyroidism is the WORST. I keep thinking, can't I have the “good” one? lol Hyperthyroidism? Know what I mean? Yeah. I'm sure I'm being a baby. But dang it, I felt totally traumatized today lol
I like your advice the best because it's what I would rather do hehe We'll see what my radar tells me next Tuesday…
I can't imagine having to readjust after every move, I should feel lucky that we're pretty well established. I've also considered starting my own group, it just seemed like so much work so I dropped the idea. Any advice if I decide to go down that road?
I can assure you I wondered why I couldn't get the one that would help me lose weight, not gain, but hyper also causes heart problems so…its a no-win situation 🙁
Uggh it is SO hard to meet other moms isnt it? I have trouble with this, too. I took my son to Gymboree and the workers were really nice but none of the other moms in class were particularly. No one knew each other so it wasn't that kind of thing, it was just super awkward like no one wanted to be the first person to speak up or something!
I would love to start a play group too but I dont even know anyone with kids! (none of my friends that live near me have kids!) Frustrating.
If you are a classically trained Ballet Dancer then why not put Bean in dance class? It doesn't have to be Ballet, it can be anything, but I would be something that's at least more enjoyable for you, and to convince her to do it when she needs to be on her own, then she would be “being just like mommy”. That might make it easier for her.
I don't like mom's groups because they are exclusive to the point of being excluding, it's the whole Mommy Wars thing. I have a friend that fits in wonderfully in those sorts of things, but I'm always the oddball out. I didn't worry about my kid getting facetime with other kids his age before he went to school, and when he was in school he did well them, but now that I'm homeschooling him (I had a mommy war issue, only with the whole damn school, teachers, office aides, and principals) I'm thinking Karate would be good for him.
Mana
Fashion and Happy Things
I'm sorry that it didn't go so well. When I moved to town my daughter was 4 months old. I met 1 girl online from a meet up group. She had been in the local Mom group. She warned me that the group was clicky & the girls were snobby. So for about a year I thought about it. I kept thinking about what she said. Finally I gave in & joined. I met some awesome Moms. A few had just joined when I did. Most of the girls that my friend knew had moved on. My daughter was 2 & she is now 6 & is still friends with the girls she met back then. Now they are in 1st grade. Maybe give it another chance or try another Mom group. I'm in the International Mom's group. Join meet-up & tell them what groups your are interested in. If a new Mom group starts you can join & everyone will be new. The only thing with Meet up groups is they don't last long. The person running it usually gives it up a few months after they started. Other places are your local library (they have story times & other events) & your recreation dept.
aw come on! try it again!